About 20 years ago, I decided to make some serious changes in my life. In that moment, I was face down on my bathroom floor, exhausted and barely conscious, suffering from double-barreled food poisoning—which means simultaneous vomit and diarrhea.
It wasn’t too hard to understand what happened. Earlier that day, my wife offered me half of a chicken salad sandwich she’d gotten at lunch the day before and couldn’t finish. That sandwich worked its magic on my system and left me on the bathroom floor without the strength to crawl into bed.
Later, when my wife discovered me sleeping next to the toilet, and I suggested the sandwich was the culprit, she said, “You know, it tasted kind of funny yesterday…that’s why I didn’t finish it.”
Funny?
Lady, if you want funny, look in the toilet.
As of this Picayune, there’s a nasty parasite in the food supply here in Michigan. I’m not sure if you’re at risk where you live, but the extent of the public service announcement put forth by the State of Michigan Health Department is to wash any fruits and vegetables before you eat them.
The symptoms are explosive diarrhea. That’s it: explosive diarrhea. No fever. No chills. No aches and pains. Just straight to diarrhea.
I probably would have washed any fruits or vegetables anyway, but “explosive diarrhea” gets my full attention.
Explosive diarrhea is the equivalent of DEFCON-4. Said another way, there is an armed conflict in your bowels resulting in significant collateral damage. Immediate measures must be taken to contain the conflict to prevent escalation of hostilities to DEFCON-5.
DEFCON-5 is, of course, “bloody diarrhea.”
It seems like something you shouldn’t have to say but, if there’s blood in your stool, call your doctor.
So there I was, sprawled on the bathroom floor, and I thought, at least I’m going to lose some weight.
Weight is just a number, and it was a silly thing to think, but it stirred other thoughts in me because leading up to that moment I’d gotten away from the exercise of my youth. I’d stopped jogging and lifting weights. I wasn’t in any organized sports. I wasn’t having any physical fun.
We filled our days driving the kids back and forth to school events, sport ball games, and/or singing and dancing stuff, leaving us too tired most evenings to do anything but snack and watch old Seinfeld reruns.
I’d even quit writing.
I thought, “Maybe this is a moment to make some changes.” And so I did.
I started jogging. I did some pushups and got into other calisthenics.
I decided, as a gimmick, to cut out chocolate and bread, which were addictions of a sort to me at that time. I later tried the habit of eating more fruits and vegetables. I vowed to never eat day-old, “funny” chicken salad again.
The entire practice was based on the gimmick of feeling I was about to die from food poisoning, but the gimmick led to better habits.
I really got into it, working my way up to running four miles at a time and doing all manner of exercises.
I also started writing again. I began with TV and Film scripts, eventually pivoting back to novels and short stories. It was related to my fitness habits in that the success in one area gave me confidence in other areas.
I didn’t realize how long my writing journey would be but I don’t regret any of it. I’m a much better writer than I was back then, and the refreshed attitude led me to storytelling at The Moth. I’ve made new friends at every juncture in this journey, so it’s been a straight-up hoot, including taking up yoga about twelve years ago.
None of that has saved me from further food poisoning incidents, and it didn’t save me from cancer, but it all made these past twenty years fun. So there’s that.
The state motto here is: Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice, which translates to English as: “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.”
Along with the explosive diarrhea parasite going around Michigan, we also have both a heat dome, and smoke from the Canadian wildfires. Like it is crazy messed up.
Like if Queens, New York, Houston, Texas, and Gary, Indiana had a threesome to make a baby, Michigan would be that baby.
So I’m nominating the following as a temporary state motto:
Si sudore testiculorum exhauriendo et bracas defaecando suffocari vis, hic locus est.
Which is Latin for:
If you want to choke to death while sweating your balls off and shitting your pants, this is the place.
I don’t wish ill upon any of my cherished readers, but should you find yourself ill to the point of exhaustion, maybe take a moment to reflect on your habits in life, and consider swapping out some bad habits for better ones, given that your power to resist may be at an all time low. Small changes can pay large benefits over time.
But now I have to put on a mask, take the dogs outside (briefly), and refill the bird feeder and the bird baths. Duty calls.
Meanwhile, at My Writing Desk…
After four straight weeks of weekend travel, I don’t have much to show for my novels in progress. I’m trying to find the right title and cover combination for the novel that’s ready to go, and the one I’m writing is basically in a slow-trickle mode. I’m also repairing my deck so we can safely host a party this weekend, then I travel again next weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll have a goodly slice of time on July 31st to get some writing done.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, right? I mean, Jack Torrance once wrote an entire book based on that one simple concept.
Maybe You’d Like
This month, I’m part of a Kindle eReader Giveaway promotion. Give it a click and consider adding your name to the list. You might win a kindle and get a bunch of fun books to boot.
https://authorsxp.com/special-monthly-book-sale
Recommended Reading
I just finished Lightning Rods by Helen Dewitt and it’s one of the funniest satires I’ve ever read. A man turns his sexual perversion into cold cash. It’s also an excellent tutorial on sales and marketing.
Next Picayune
It might be a couple-three weeks before I email again, but if the explosive diarrhea situation goes to DEFCON-5, I’ll step up and inform my Picayunistas of the situation.
Until then, thanks for reading the Mickey Picayune.
All the best,
Mickey