When I was a kid, I memorized all the dialogue in the old sit-com Hogan’s Heroes. Unless you’re of a certain age, you probably haven’t heard of the show. It made a mockery of the suffering caused by World War II, portraying Germans as buffoons, and made space for Colonel Hogan—a prisoner of war—to get laid more often that Captain Kirk in Star Trek.
Also, it stole my heart.
I didn’t have a lot of options for television. Hogan’s Heroes ran two reruns back-to-back in the seven o’clock slot on Channel 43 in Cleveland. Every day for years, I’d have supper and run to the “tv room” and watch both episodes. While my brothers were out playing with friends in the neighborhood, I helped invent the concept of couch potato.
At some point along the line, I started running lines with the show, reciting each part. It wasn’t a great super power, but it was my super power.
Later, in high school, our Principles of Democracy teacher, Mr. Decillo, was lamenting the stupidity of us, his students. He told us we were ill-equipped to compete in the real world. He told us that Jewish kids spent their entire Saturday in Hebrew school, memorizing the Torah.
“Think about it, Hadick,” he said. “That kid is memorizing a book. You didn’t do your homework. Who do you think will do better in college?”
My friend Ron piped in and said, “Mickey has memorized every single episode of Hogan’s Heroes.”
I offered to recite an episode, but Mr. Decillo just shook his head.
I was in an entertainment desert so I didn’t know any better. Even though cable TV was spreading across the nation, our little city refused to grant a license, angling for a better deal, so we were stuck with the six same broadcast channels we’d always had. Hogan’s Heroes was high culture, to me.
Around that time in high school, our family got a glimpse of what was possible in the world of video entertainment. My uncle had set up a VCR (new technology!) in his neighboring city and recorded HBO movies for us. Obviously, my cheap-ass father bought a VCR once he realized he could get free movies from his brother.
That same uncle was a carpenter, like Jesus. He was tall, tan and photogenic, also like Jesus. Where he differed from Jesus was in the way he got a few of his carpentry jobs.
During the mob wars in Cleveland (memorialized in the movie “Kill the Irishman”) there were a series of bombings targeting mob-owned video stores. My uncle became the go-to guy to rebuild the video stores after each bombing.
Every week or so, my uncle would show up at our house with a box of videos, some pirated from HBO, others brand new packaged movies from the video store. He explained that the videos were given as gratitude for his hard work…and why not?
I know you’re probably thinking that maybe this uncle wasn’t so nice, that maybe he was the guy bombing the video stores so that he could get the work, like firemen who start fires, or presidents who crash the economy. I choose to believe that he was good at his trade and probably didn’t ask questions about how the building permit got issued.
You may also be wondering why video stores would be the target of a bombing spree. Back then, long before the internet, video tape was the great, revolutionary medium for pornography (memorialized in the movie “Boogie Nights”). Every family-style video store had a back room, or maybe just a curtained-off section, where the porn could be bought, rented, or just fondled. (Hey, I’m not judging.)
All that is to say that my brothers and I had access to a fine selection of movies. Of course, we honed in on a few that quickly became our favorites, especially: “Caddyshack,” “Every Which Way But Loose” and “Harold and Maude.” While the box of more respectable titles gathered dust, we watched those three to the point of memorizing every line.
One more thing about my uncle: he went on to a successful career in carpentry, building houses, investing in property, and caring for his family. That’s nothing to sneeze at. Jesus, on the other hand, gave up his trade to preach. He may have been preparing His father’s house, but He sure didn’t frame it.
I guess Jesus is credited with writing much of the New Testament, so that’s pretty cool.
Mr. Decillo wasn’t wrong about the stupidity of his students, at least in my case, as frequent readers of The Mickey Picayune will attest. But there was one thing he missed.
Up until about a hundred years ago, I’m pretty sure people would have quoted the bible a lot in conversation. It’s chock full of some interesting stories, and quite a bit of advice (I recommend Deuteronomy for tips on living in a pastoral, God-fearing society in the desert).
Nowadays, most people are going to refer to Seinfeld, Friends, or The Sopranos in conversation, using funny quotes, and citing life lessons.
What Mr. Decillo missed is that pop-culture has become our Torah and our Talmud. It’s where so many of us look for answers to life’s questions.
No, memorizing Hogan’s Heroes didn’t prepare me for much in life. I got a few laughs with Sgt. Schultz’s infamous, “I know nothing…I see nothing” in business meetings, but didn’t earn any respect.
Instead, memorizing Hogan’s Heroes was my first step in becoming a scholar of America.
Meanwhile, at My Writing Desk…
Ashley Undone, a crime story and family drama, is available for pre-order. Set in Ann Arbor, it’s a Cinderella story pitting love of family against the evil of greed.
As I may have already mentioned, reviews and early sales help a book more than anything. If you enjoy my stories here, you’ll love Ashley Undone.
Note: The price may lower before it launches and I’m pretty sure you get the lower price. For those of you here on the Picayune, I’m putting together a special gift for those who pre-order Ashley Undone.
The gift will be a collection of Mickey Picayunes covering 2019-2024. To get the gift, reply to this email with a copy of the receipt.
Also, if you’d like an advance review copy, click here.
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This week, I’ve joined a group of authors for a science fiction, fantasy, and epic giveaway:
https://storyoriginapp.com/to/JogeF6g
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Thanks for reading the Mickey Picayune. I’ll be back in two weeks with more fun stuff.
All the best,
Mickey